Motherhood: All love begins and ends there

 

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. – Laurell K. Hamilton

Knowing when everyone is rejecting you, belittling you, and doubting you is definitely stressful. Knowing that everything you do always seems to never be enough for them is quite frustrating. That's something I often experience.

Everything I do seems never enough and always ends in mistake. To always stand back and try to prove that we are not someone like that is also not an easy thing.

This is an experience I had recently. To this person, I was always the one who never did anything right, I always made mistakes and I always did all kinds of stupid things. I never knew what sin I had committed until she could judge and make such assumptions about me.

I only regret one thing. I didn't expect that she should have been the first person to support me, cheer me up when I was down but turned out she was the one who brought me down the most.

When I was a child and then a teenager until when I was an adult I always thought that maybe I was the one who made the mistake and I was the one to blame. Everything I do is often the opposite of what a good person should do.

I always remember that whenever she doesn't like anything I do she will take it out on me without thinking about the effect her actions will have on me. She never realized that everything she did to me traumatized me deeply.

All these thoughts kept on in my mind and made me very often insecure about whatever I did or wanted to do. It caused me to keep my distance from her because I knew that I would get hurt every time we made contact. All her words will affect me, spoil my mood and even my emotions.

I shouldn't have cared about whatever she did to piss me off. But I can't do that because she's someone I should respect and I know I can't do any of that.

When I grew up and started living far away, I started to be involved in society until then I joined volunteering. When I started my own life and then was in society and all without her influence, it all made me learn a lot of things.

All the experiences that I had suddenly hit me as to the reason why she behaved like that.

She actually fed up from all the things that everyone demanded her to do but she just didn't know how to express all those emotions. All these things caused her to take it out on me because I was the closest person to her. She didn't want me to disappoint her and make her got blamed because she didn't succeed in making me to be someone to be proud of.

When I started pursuing my studies again and she found out that I did, I initially thought that she would at least appreciate my efforts. But it turned out not to be as beautiful as I imagined. For a million times she did the same thing again and again. Degrading and doubting the same as what it always does.

Although over time I began to understand the reason why she always behaved like that to me and I learned to understand and be patient with all her treatment but sometimes still all her words when she wasn't in her right mind could trigger me.

Is it hard not to give up? Of course. When I hoped she was the first person who would support, encourage and always strengthen me, but instead she underestimated me it was certainly difficult for me especially when I was facing my lowest moment and I didn't have anyone to lean on.

Am I upset? Am I angry with all her words that really hurt me? I'd be lying if I wasn't mad. I'm still a human, not a bot. But I know attacking her back won't solve the problem.

I know she did that because she doesn't have a trash can and without her knowing it she made me her trash can. As I got older I just realized that she needed a place to vent all her frustration and anger about her life. Maybe with she treating me like that can lighten all her burdens, though not completely. Maybe by doing all these things, I can actually help her even though she may never consider that as help.

I've also noticed that sometimes people don't realize that they really need help when they should. They're just not aware.

Sometimes I get angry with her treatment, but every time I remember that I know I can do nothing but accept it all, I let my emotions and anger down. All I know is that this is the best thing I can do for her. Although for her I will always be someone who is never enough, useless and always making mistakes.

For me she is still someone I have to respect because she is my mother.

One thing I learned from my experience with her. I wouldn't do the same to my kids. Whatever they decide regarding their life, I will do my best to support, encourage and strengthen them especially when they fall. Even though they will fail again and again then cry again, I will be by their side to strengthen, encourage, support them and be with them to get up again.

I don't want to make the same mistake like she did to me. I know how painful it all is and I will not let my kids go through the same thing that I have been through.